Archive for June, 2009

All in your head? Well, yes and no…

Tuesday, June 30th, 2009

If you’ve suffered from emotional abuse, you have the added burden of suffering an “invisible” wound. You have no bruises, burns, or broken bones. If you try to tell someone what was done to you, it can end up sounding pretty lame: “My mom called me names,” “My dad told me I wasn’t good at anything,” etc. The cumulative damage done by these types of messages, not to mention the underlying message (“I wish you weren’t here,” or something like that), is very damaging indeed.

So those you hope will be sympathetic to you may say things like, “Oh come on, just get over it!” “You whiner!” “At least you weren’t physically abused!” But what is not so obvious is that what may look like “no big deal” has actually changed the neurological structure of your brain. So it is in your head—but it’s not in your imagination, but rather in the physical “wiring” of your brain.

This is important for you to know.

What are you afraid of?

Thursday, June 25th, 2009

The thing that usually keeps us from reaching our goals is fear. There are many things we can fear; here I’ll mention the three most common, in order of how obvious they seem.

Fear of failure. Many people hesitate to try something for fear they will fail. The thinking (conscious or subconscious) is that if we avoid something we might fail at, we can’t fail. The thinking underlying that thinking is that failure is somehow inherently bad. News flash: it isn’t! Let me say that again: failure is not inherently bad. I explain this more fully in Help! I Need a Hug.

Fear of success. This one is less obvious but just as real. We may self-sabotage because we fear (consciously or subconsciously) that if we succeed, something bad will happen. Perhaps we’ll feel guilty for our good fortune. Perhaps our family will resent us, our friends will reject us. Perhaps we’ll eventually end up worse than at the start. Perhaps people will think we’ve had an easy life and we’ll never get a chance to tell our tale of woe, how difficult our lives have been. And that feels like a betrayal of our true selves.

Fear of criticism. This is probably the most complicated, because there are so many things we can be criticized for—whether we succeed or fail. We can be criticized for how we succeeded—or failed. We can be criticized for our idea that was so misguided in the first place, even though we “got lucky” and succeeded. We can be criticized for not giving credit to those who supposedly supported us or sacrificed for us. We can be criticized for following our dreams rather than doing some kind of work that someone else deems more important.

Fear, fear, fear, and more fear! Fear in its many forms can stop us from doing literally anything…if we let it.

Validate the feelings!

Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009

Okay…what does that mean? It means that, first of all, feelings are never right or wrong. Feelings are. Thoughts may be mistaken, behaviors may be unhealthy, but feelings are what they are and need to be recognized and respected.

What this means for you—if you’re the one with the feelings—is that no one must ever “make” you feel that your feelings are wrong. If you say, “I’m upset” (or worried, scared, disappointed, or whatever), and someone says, “You shouldn’t feel that way,” they are wrong. There is no “should;” your feelings are not wrong. Depending on your relationship to this person, you may either just brush it off or try to help this person learn to respect your feelings.

On the other hand, if someone else makes one of these “I feel” statements, you must be very careful to validate the other person’s feelings. It can be tempting to respond with “You shouldn’t feel that way,” but that’s a cop-out. It’s an attempt (conscious or subconscious) to avoid dealing with another person’s feelings that you’re not sure how to deal with. Again, depending on who this other person is, you can either just smile sympathetically, or try to draw out him or her and find out what that feeling is all about.

In any case, always validate the feelings first.